Police powerless in face of angry, non-confrontational mob

Sketch version of an unsuccessful NB post, and first attempt at a sketch in 20 years...

[Sounds of police sirens, barking dogs and mounted police. Local radio journalist KATE SUTHERLAND is interviewing CHIEF INSPECTOR BILL CHISHOLM as an angry mob gathers.]

KATE: ...Thanks Clive. I’m joined now by Chief Inspector Bill Chisholm in Birmingham town centre where the city’s riot police are being confronted by an angry violent mob of protesto...

CHISHOLM: Yes if I could just interrupt you there, Kate. There’s a mob here all right, but the problem is, they’re actually being very non-confrontational and more passive than aggressive. Frankly, it’s making it very difficult to develop an appropriate police response. I thought we had everything covered these days -- I’ve got officers trained to cope with petrol bombs, or people who want to throw themselves off bridges, I’ve got constables ready for photo opportunities at Pride marches or to lend their helmets to Carnival dancers... I’ve just got no-one trained in rapid response to what I would call, if it’s not too politically incorrect, huffing.

KATE: So what are they angry about?

CHISHOLM: Well that’s precisely the problem, we just don’t know. We can tell by their demeanour that they’re peeved about something, but what that is is anyone’s guess. I mean, listen to them:

[sound of crowd in the distance]

PROTEST LEADER: [shouts] What do we want?

CROWD RESPONSE: Nothing. Forget it.

PROTEST LEADER: When do we want it?

CROWD RESPONSE: We’re FINE!

[back to interview]

KATE: A lot of anger there clearly, Inspector Chisholm. But what do you say to complaints of heavy-handed police tactics? Eyewitnesses claimed they saw tear gas fired into the crowd. Was that proportionate?

CHISHOLM: Tear gas? We’ve not done anything! A bit earlier one of our junior officers on the front line got a bit frustrated and said he’d had enough and was going to the pub, and that was it – the crowd burst into tears, saying that was ‘just typical’ and ‘what they should’ve expected’. Really, this isn’t in any of the manuals, you know...

KATE: So how do you plan to get to the bottom of this?

CHISOLM: We keep asking what it is they’re upset about. Are they against the war in Iraq? China’s human rights record in Tibet? Pro fox-hunting? But they just let out this massive collective sigh. I mean what would you do?

KATE: Do they have a Facebook Group?

CHISHOLM: We tried that, it’s called ‘I bet I can find a million people on Facebook who think there’s OBVIOUSLY not a problem at all’. It’s full of messages from people who aren’t angry just disappointed that they weren’t invited to join it.

KATE: Well have you tried flowers?

[SERGEANT JANE TALBOT interrupts]

TALBOT: ‘Scuse me gov, just got the latest word from the intelligence services.

CHISHOLM: Any joy?

TALBOT: They’ve checked the dates of the miners’ strike, poll tax riots, and student loans protests -- it doesn’t look like we’ve missed an important anniversary.

CHISHOLM: Damn. How about the undercover officers in the crowd?

TALBOT: It’s difficult to say, apparently the ring leaders are mainly sending a lot of quite intense texts to friends, but we’ve had a tip-off it might be something to do with a remark made by your mother.

KATE: If we can get back to the interview Inspector Chisholm, how long can this stand-off be allowed to continue? It must be quite a drain on police resources.

CHISHOLM: Your guess is as good as mine, Kate. At the moment the best we can hope for is someone chucking a brick at one of the horses, or setting fire to a McDonalds so we can go in with the truncheons and water cannon. Really, it’s best to get these things out in the open. It’s tough for the police sometimes. We’ve got feelings too you know.

KATIE: Need a hug?

CHISHOLM: (in a small voice) Yes please.

KATIE: There, there, there. Back to you Clive.