Bernie Coltrane, 73, has been one of Britain's best loved entertainers for more than five decades, but absent from our screens since what he describes as "a simple misunderstanding" involving a female contestant in a family saloon car on the set of his 1986 Friday night game show 'Bernie Coltrane's Big Bingo Bonanza'. Working now on development of several projects, he shares an insight into his week, in his life, in a day.
"Wednesday's usually another busy day for me, so I like to make an early start and pop to the cafe for a tea and a sausage roll. I often still get stopped for autographs on the street, people who remember me from my 70s sitcom, 'There's a doctor in my soup!', where I played a young medical student having to get by working as a waiter in, oh, a simply dreadful restaurant. Priceless stuff, really, although there's been a lot of fuss about my 'blacking up' for the role. But the character was a West Indian fellow, and we couldn't really find anyone else suitable for the part -- this was before Lenny Henry you must remember -- and I think I pulled it off. But with the political correctness they won't even show it on satellite anymore. I always say to my [4th] wife, 'where would Cleese be now if he'd made Manuel a Pakistani?' but you've got to move with the times."
Wednesday is pension day, which Coltrane insists on collecting from the post office in his vintage Rolls-Royce (he's very proud of his personalised number plate B3RN1E). With money from the long-running
In the afternoon, Coltrane is booked for one of his "grassroots, intimate" shows at a local old people's home. "They love me here, and it's great to be in touch with a live audience again, a lot of the modern fellows really miss out on this. It's very energising, 'the roar of the greasepaint, smell of the crowd', you know, and they remember me from when I had the music hall double act 'Ching and Chong the Chinamen', although my partner Max, sadly passed on 20 years ago. It might be a bit edgy for today's audiences, but I saw those youngsters Matt Walliams and Davey Lucas doing something very similar on one of their Little England shows, so I might get my agent to try and get in touch about doing something."
The evening is spent catching up with 48-year-old wife Lucinda, who in the day runs a busy nail bar. "We have an early tea and settle down in front of the telly, we both enjoy a quiet life these days. Although Lu often has to go out and visit her poorly mother, sometimes having to stay the night to look after her. The old dear's getting a bit confused, why just last night she called to speak to Lu, when she'd already left to visit her three hours earlier. Lu says she must have forgotten when she popped to the kitchen to make a cuppa. Sad really."
9.30 is bedtime, and Bernie will take the time to write up some ideas for his act and new shows. "I like to keep up to date, and I'm just waiting to hear back on a reality internet variety show project on Sky. It's wonderful to have a career at my age. I've been blessed, really."
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